Recaída

 Tuve una recaída. No es la primera, y creo no será la última.

Quiero cosas que no puedo controlar, y es algo frustrante.

Quiero cosas que no se piden. 

Quiero acciones que no depende de mi que pasen.

Quiero reacciones que ya no puedo provocar. 

Vivo diario el romance, pero Indirectamente, a través de novelas y dibujos.

He vivido con lo que debo llamar "envidia", porque no hay otra manera de llamarlo.

Y tal vez por eso es que no me va a pasar a mí.

Me he permitido ser impaciente, egoísta, anhelar cosas que no puedo tener. Me he permitido sentirme como una persona, y no los roles que se acostumbran ver de mí. 

Me he quitado esa máscara de "estoy bien", o al menos me permito sentir todas esas malas sensaciones.

No sé si está mal, no sé si esté bien.

Mis problemas solo son "problemas" para mi. Se que hay cosas peores, pero no quiere decir que mis "problemas" no importen. Aprendí eso. 

Entonces, ¿por qué me siento mal por sentirme así? 

It's been a while

 I should be used to it by now, and yet here I am.

I should stop watching romantic kdrama. 

I should stop reading fanfics. 

I should stop looking at manwhas. 

Because I want what happens there. 

I crave it, I need it in a way that I think it's not normal. 

I want to be praised. 

I want to be admired. 

I want to be loved. 

I want to be looked at with love. 

I want to be somebody's reason to smile.

I want cuddles, kisses in the forehead, pinching of cheeks. 

It's so painful to live without it, when many years ago it used to be an almost everyday thing.

Maybe I'm hormonal, maybe I'm just feeling lonely.

It's making me miss the past so bad, that makes me forget the reasons why it doesn't happen anymore.

I just wanted to put it in words. I wanted to be selfish for a moment . Don't think too much about it. 

Acceptance

 I am not for others what they are to me, and I should accept that. 

Bad day

 I wonder if is it bad to keep wanting things you can't ask for.

I wonder if I'm wrong for wanting to lean on to someone and let them know my worries.

But again, it's no one's obligation to make me feel happy, or secure or valuable, only me.

And yet...

Today is a bad day.

In my mind I have a lot of things I want to do, that need to be done, but my body wont move.

All I want to do is lay down and eat.

I'm on energy saving mode. My battery it's at a point where it asks for the charger, but there isn't one at reach.

I'll keep fighting this feeling, I've felt worse, this is nothing to me. 

Sometimes

 The thing is....

I've been taking care of people for quite a while. 

I make sure people are okay and safe and happy.

But sometimes, I wish I was the one being taken care of.

It's not an everyday thing, just, sometimes, I want to feel taken care of.

I want someone to worry about me.

I want words of reassurance.

I want hugs and cuddles.

I want kisses on the forehead.

I want meals cooked for me. 

I want someone to look at me as if I'm the most beautiful person in the world. 

Today is one of those days. 

I'll get over it, tomorrow, maybe. 

Old

I saw my old home.

It looks the same as when I left.

It has new tenants.

I can only watch it from afar. 

It made me reminisce the past. 

It made me miss it a little.

I guess that'll happen from time to time until I don't miss it at all. 

New

I went out without my costume.

I showed up without my mask.

And they didn't ran away.

They even came back to meet me again.

This is new. 

Free

 Swimming without lifesaver.... 

Well...

 It was strange, but not unpleasant... 

Maybe

 My eyes and my smile are pretty, they said... 

Let it out

 It's been a while since I screamed.

It feels better when I scream.

Surprised

 And just like that

It didn't hurt anymore. 

I was surprised of myself. 

And felt kinda guilty

As I promised forever. 

Be happy, child, 

I know I'll try to be. 

Down

 I'm getting off the seesaw, I was playing by myself. 

Costume

 I've been wearing a costume, and nobody seem to notice I'm inside of it. 

I've been wearing it for a long time. I can't remember for how long.

I only take it off when I'm home, And sometimes when someone it's interested in the real me.

The thing is, I can't go out without it.

And I'm a bit afraid people won't recognize me if i don't wear it. 

Middle point

 Happy and gloomy coexist for now.

Today I practiced self care. I made my legs shiver by myself.

I've been swimming by my own and it's getting a little better. Lifeguard was nowhere to be found. 

My smile it's getting real more often, I barely have to pretend. 

Just keep swimming

 I've been trying so hard to swim without my lifesaver. 

I'm trying so hard to advance without a paddle.

I'm trying to learn how to swim alone without any advice from the lifeguard.

I get exhausted, so I'm sleepy all day long.

Sometimes my lungs fill with water, sometimes I'm doing so bad at swimming that I want to tell the lifeguard, but I shouldn't.

I have to learn how to swim without any encouragement from the lifeguard.