So this is life...

Bad day

I wonder if is it bad to keep wanting things you can't ask for.

I wonder if I'm wrong for wanting to lean on to someone and let them know my worries.

But again, it's no one's obligation to make me feel happy, or secure or valuable, only me.

And yet...

Today is a bad day.

In my mind I have a lot of things I want to do, that need to be done, but my body wont move.

All I want to do is lay down and eat.

I'm on energy saving mode. My battery it's at a point where it asks for the charger, but there isn't one at reach.

I'll keep fighting this feeling, I've felt worse, this is nothing to me.

Sometimes

The thing is....

I've been taking care of people for quite a while.

I make sure people are okay and safe and happy.

But sometimes, I wish I was the one being taken care of.

It's not an everyday thing, just, sometimes, I want to feel taken care of.

I want someone to worry about me.

I want words of reassurance.

I want hugs and cuddles.

I want kisses on the forehead.

I want meals cooked for me.

I want someone to look at me as if I'm the most beautiful person in the world.

Today is one of those days.

I'll get over it, tomorrow, maybe.

Old

I saw my old home.

It looks the same as when I left.

It has new tenants.

I can only watch it from afar.

It made me reminisce the past.

It made me miss it a little.

I guess that'll happen from time to time until I don't miss it at all.

New

I went out without my costume.

I showed up without my mask.

And they didn't ran away.

They even came back to meet me again.

This is new.

Free

Swimming without lifesaver....

Well...

It was strange, but not unpleasant...

Maybe

My eyes and my smile are pretty, they said...

Let it out

It's been a while since I screamed.

It feels better when I scream.

Surprised

And just like that

It didn't hurt anymore.

I was surprised of myself.

And felt kinda guilty

As I promised forever.

Be happy, child,

I know I'll try to be.

Down

I'm getting off the seesaw, I was playing by myself.

Costume

I've been wearing a costume, and nobody seem to notice I'm inside of it.

I've been wearing it for a long time. I can't remember for how long.

I only take it off when I'm home, And sometimes when someone it's interested in the real me.

The thing is, I can't go out without it.

And I'm a bit afraid people won't recognize me if i don't wear it.

Middle point

Happy and gloomy coexist for now.

Today I practiced self care. I made my legs shiver by myself.

I've been swimming by my own and it's getting a little better. Lifeguard was nowhere to be found.

My smile it's getting real more often, I barely have to pretend.

Just keep swimming

I've been trying so hard to swim without my lifesaver.

I'm trying so hard to advance without a paddle.

I'm trying to learn how to swim alone without any advice from the lifeguard.

I get exhausted, so I'm sleepy all day long.

Sometimes my lungs fill with water, sometimes I'm doing so bad at swimming that I want to tell the lifeguard, but I shouldn't.

I have to learn how to swim without any encouragement from the lifeguard.

Inside

If I don't go out, I don't have to lie. I don't have to pretend.

So I stay inside as long as I can.

It's getting harder and harder to pretend.

I get so tired, all I wanna do is lay down and sleep, but I can't.

The happy version of me is taking vacations, so the gloomy version stepped out and it's not going well.

On top of it, the gloomy version wants what the happy version had, but it didn't know that that doesn't exist anymore. No touching, no caring, no closeness.

So the gloomy version gets gloomier, closes every door and demands to let happy version comeback only if it gets all the good things it's craving: love, attention, care.

So apparently, we're here for the long run.

Back in the day ...

The time machine in my head keeps going to the past.

It goes back in time but only to the good moments.

It Saves data from the past and replays it over and over, causing pain and rain.

Sometimes it saves the bad times too. But I still refuse to watch them.

I hope someday it turns off...

It made me wake up.